At fifteen is one of the first memories I have of someone speaking interestingly about death. Father Denis was pastor and once a week he taught religious class to sophomores. Father Denis love to teach the life lessons instead of the same old text book material. He started to talk about people who he saw die and the do's and don'ts around dying people. Of course, we all at 15 found this much more interesting that any subject covered in the religious book sitting on the desk. The topic of death was a mystery to all of us.
Father Denis's main first rule was never whisper or talk in front of the sick person assuming that they can not hear. Hearing part of the brain is always active he convinced us. The second thing that we all found amazing is that there is a choice by the spirit of when the spirit wants to leave the body. He had this long story of giving the last sacrament repeatedly to this man. The man was at peace, was ready to die and the wife goes into a crying, screaming I can't live without you scene. At some point after many visits to the house, Father Denis took her to another part of the home and explained it is time to let go of poor Norman spirit depart. He explained her crying was so distressing that the spirit would not leave. He encouraged her to quietly prayer and remember that it was time for Norman's earthly life to end.
I have experienced watching people that I love die and have developed a whole internalize system of coping. The first time the mystery of death became personal I was in my early 30's, I owned a bookstore so all the material I used was on the shelve and what was not there I ordered to read. It was the 70's and many revolutions were taking place at one time. Blacks in the streets marched for civil rights, women burned bras in protect for equal pay and scholarships , hippies against war dressed up crazy, acted out and did drugs and scared everyone over 40. There was also a revolutionary movement called hospice and a best seller call ON DEATH AND DYING.
The emotional and physical and psychological event of death for the first time had been studied and some common ideas were shared by most humans, it seemed. For the first time, the priest and the family doctor were not the go to answer people concerning all the questions surrounding death. This single book, I believe, open the door for many more books on the subject and many points of view to opening talked about for the first time.
My husband, in the 70's, was hospitalized for six weeks with cancer that was not operated on because it was too later by the time they figured out what the problem was. The days before CAT scans. In the end on a morphine drip and totally consumed by cancer my husband died as I read every printed book on death, afterlife, any thing to explain what was happening at this time in my life. I was way beyond grade school religious stories of angels and time in purgatory. I wanted answers to harder questions of why we share a life and why we pick our mates and why they leave us early. I needed to make sense of this death to deal with why I should go on living. Depression and grief are powerful emotions particularly when young.
Those books gave me a frame to understand all of this in a way that has served me well my whole life. It does not wash away sadness, loneliness and the full the empty space. It only let's me understand it is in a bigger frame.
I am facing the finial chapter of John's life. I am already grieving this change but on my visit today with John I am happy to see him so calm and comfortable. I am amazed at his serenity.
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