I dreamt last night I was floating on an iceberg. I was on guard all the time for changes. Things/life are the same for days then a wind or a wave comes along and a chuck of my grounding/surface is lost. It is gone into the sea, there is less space for me. I then study the surrounding for other dangers that maybe unforeseen. Most often, the surface slips away quietly, only occasionally, is it dramatic and loud.
That I immediately realized is my current life with John.
A incident of extra work one month, then one week becomes a daily routine. It grows maybe twice a day or three times a day over months. It went from picking out clothes for John to wear to totally dressing him now. Much like one would do to a life size doll. I shave him, wash his face and comb his hair. Showers have gone from every couple days to a couple times a day because his total lack of control over his colon now. Each one of these changes puts a threat on his current arrangement of day care outings to the senior center. Their rules have limits on individual care. That added worry plus the physical demands, I already have adjusted to dealing with at home is part of my 36 hours.
The handbook has not been written that explains this life. Oh, there are the platitudes about caregivers and the 36 hours day. I never read the one that says I should check his bed five times a night to make sure he is not sitting on the edge asleep and would fall and hit his head. Then there are three times I see that he is sitting on the edge of the bed. Up I go and softly talk him into laying down so I can cover him up. The effect of this not one night but the week, the month of endless disrupted sleep are the pieces of the iceberg that fall into the sea. I feel the lose of ground around me.
Mentally, the worry for most women in this country are the finances beside the physical demands. There is no short cut for that worry. This society has no place or care for the old among it's population. It is easy to say, get help in the house or send your love one to a care facility. The problem is the time line. Is this arrangement going to be for a month or a year or five years. At what cost? Tell me the time line and I can work out what I can afford and deal with it.
I know I have to make changes in this house. I have to face the fact that I am dealing with stress, lack of sleep and in need of more hours free of the responsibility of caring for John. More professional help brings along wisdom to the site.
While this iceberg has some sun today, so it is time for a walk around and a fresh view of the distance.
